It's a good thing I'm not extremely and numerologically superstitious.
This morning: MONDAY morning, I went to 7-11 for work snacks. my purchase total was 6.66
On the way back, I realized that today is Groundhog's Day, 2015, which marks exactly THIRTEEN years to the day that I first planned to and tried to start a website for my comics, y'know, before life got in the way - AGAIN.
THEN, it occured to me that last year when I FINALLY DID get my website started, it was on the birthday of She Who Will Not Be Named - the last girl to break my heart and fuck up my life - at least temporarily.
To recap - 7-11. Monday. Groundhog's Day, 666, 13, That C***. My Own Failures.
Were I the superstitious type, I'd say that the Universe is trying to tell me something. Good thing I'm not the superstitious type.
(*grabs horseshoe and 4 leaf clover*)
During this, the week that houses the 20th anniversary of a certain ( bitchCollapse ) abandoning me in Savannah, Ga, which led to me (a month later) spending my 21st birthday homeless in a strange city... I look back on how we met and began our ill-fated relationship... or rather, WHERE.
Turner JobCorps Center..
This, led me to think about the other 2 JCCs I went to:
Earle C, Clements JCC:
-From this video, it seemes ECCJCC went all military since I've been gone. Apparently, it's a Jobcorps ACADEMY now!
Also, Clearfield JCC:
Just looking at these videos; It seems that all these JCCs have been rebuilt from the ground up since I've been gone.
Our JobCorps sites were fucking DUMPS when I attended.
Things change, I guess.
random shot from one of my WAY too many comics projects: "Back To Status Quo".
I should probably be more freaked out than I am.
But, at least I kept my promise to myself.
I will not (DID not) turn 40 as a dishwasher at Casa Que Pasa.
It's been O so long, but, as I am a sick puppy with some bizarre form of OCD, I return to old names and old journals just for the fuck of it.
I just remembered the pass for this one, so, here we are.
We're coming up on the big 40, and, I think it's time to spend time taking a long, looooong look at my life and trying to find out where I went wrong.
(My birth, notwithstanding).
I have to figure out what I am to do with my life, and where I'm going, if anywhere.
This is long past due, but everytime I try, something else gets in the way. Usually work and/or relationship.
Well, I have recently quit my job, and there is to be a wedding this weekend, with my girlfriend, Deb going up to Bellingham to help out, tomorrow.
I am not going out there until Saturday. Possibly Saturday evening.
That gives me 2 uninterrupted days, alone, to at least make a dent in my mental state.
More goodness from my week:
On Thursday, hung out with duffy61 and watched part 1 of the 2 part season ender of Fringe. Awesome, as expected.
Friday was a day of rest, and I really needed it.
Saturday, I went to my very first roller derby match.
Bellingham Betties' Cog Blockers Vs. the visiting Hellbound Homewreckers.
Tough Love vs. FLASH (Whom I didn't know were part of the Betties. I feel so dumb for not rooting for them, now. Me being the superhero nut that I am.)
It was AWESOME!!
Lots of gorgeous girls there that day, on and OFF the track.
Sunday was back to work, but it was mellow. Later that night, I went to my first Fetish Night since January.
A friend I haven't seen in a while bought me a drink. (My second one, thus, I was pretty faded when I started drawing.
George's gf, Asia, asked me to help contribute to her zombie comic, and I agreed.
Got a bit of drawing done, and met a cutie named Lindsey who was a friend of G & A.
( I sketched her, and she dug it.Collapse ) She offered to make out with me, as payment. (God, i love Fetish Night.)
So, after making out with her, and dancing with her (and I can't even DANCE) I gave her the drawing, and she took pictures with me in the new picture booth at Rumors, and Jesse's brother, Dave (frellingdargo) gave me a lift back home.
Even today at work was cool.
I skipped out on karaoke (AGAIN, dammit!) but I will go next week. It's been, like, 12 straight days of pure goodness. I needed this.
My unholy balls, but it's been a great week!
In the midst of what is shaping up to be a VERY good week, I just had a rather macabre thought.
I am at that age, and my hero worship is such that, if I live to a ripe old age, I will live to see all my heroes die.
All the folks I worship are of advanced age, or approaching it. I realized this when I heard Frank Frazetta passed away.
How long do I have til I lose Stan Lee, or Leonard Nimoy, or Frank Welker?
In the immortal words of Charlie Brown (another hero of mine, who, while he "can't die", His beloved creator has, and I haven't seen any new content of him in a good long while)
Retail Therapy is NOT your friend!
Or... It may just be one of the most wonderful things EVAR!
I started out going to buy some shoes, and somehow wound up buying a new
Something I'd been moaning about for quite some time!
Not only that, I got back in touch with my old pal, Chad, whom I haven't seen or
heard from in, like, A DECADE!
We spent two hours talking over old times, and catching up.
I showed him my DeviantArt site.
Today was a good day!
THIS is hilarious!
Is it just me?
I think it's time I "found myself".
This weird identity crisis that has been plaguing me for over 15 years has to stop.
There's no going back. There's no "new place to start over".
that's what THIS place was supposed to be, but, for some reason, every time I do this, I adapt to the local culture and fabricate some half-assed personality to better ease into things, and it's never one I like.
I haven't known exactly who I am for far too long.
I have held onto the drawing and the comics as they are the only parts of me that were there from the beginning, but what if I have outgrown them?
I work all week at that godawful job. I'm angry for 8 hours a day, 4 days a week.
That CAN'T be healthy for my body. Hell, it's absolutely DESTROYING my mind.
When not at work, I spend the entirety of my 3 days off sitting in the same coffeeshop for hours on end, staring at a blank page and trying to draw.
Specifically, trying to create a comic that never quite seems to mesh correctly.
I don't even think I am doing it out of any joy or even real desire to make a comic, anymore.
It's just some damned OC habit that I haven't managed to break.... YET.
After a month of being broke, I actually have a little bit of ME money coming in.
I think that I owe myself a treat, and that this time, i will do other things.
Go to a movie, or a restaurant, or even the fucking PARK, despite my hatred of nature.
I am creeping up on my LATE thirties (Oh, GOD!) and I am still living like some lost little 19 year old. and NOT in the fun way, either.
I am a single, fairly decent looking grown man with a job, no kids and nothing tying me down, except the usual household bills and bullshit.
WHY the fuck am I not enjoying life?
My children in the comic geek community, I say unto thee.... "Polly Wanna Cracker"?
Why, you ask? Because some of you are parrots.
You repeat what you've overheard at cons. You repeat and re-Tweet what you've read on the intarNuts. You regurgitate your (seemingly) more knowledgeable geek friends' halves of your conversations about which superhero would win in a fight.
(For the record, Superman is NOT God-all-powerful, nor utterly invincible. NOR would he "just laser [insert other hero here] in half with his heat vision, or crush his/her head". He's SUPERMAN!! NOT Darth Fucking Vader!)
You don't even think about it, you just spew, because, for some unfathomable reason, you think that the opinion is cool, and in the repeating of it, you, by proxy are cool as well.
Today, my particular personal pet peeve is focused on the parrots who spew this particular chestnut over and over and fucking over again:
"I like Batman the best out of all the superheroes. I can identify with him 'cuz he don't got superpowers"!
Really, Polly? REALLY?!!
Now, firstly, this particular train of thought trickles down from the uber-nerds. You know the ones:
The guy who will pay good money (and LOTS of it) for a movie ticket to the newest Space Opera and in the middle of the SFX bonanza that is the galactic dogfight portion of the movie, won't stop bitching that "those lasther blasths, exthplosionsth and engine noithesth wouldn't be audible in the vacuum of spathe"!
Or, to a superpowered flick, such as Fantastic Four, and won't stop harping:
"If you turn invithible, you coudln't thee anything 'cause your retina wouldn't be able tuh refract light into your corneasth!"
Hyuck! [/overexaggerated doofus lisp]
Very smart guys. WAY too smart for such "childish" things as SUSPENSION OF BELIEF WHEN OBSERVING SOMETHING THAT IS CLEARLY SCIENCE (say it with me, children) FICTION!!
Smart enough to have fucked themselves (AND the REST of us) out of being able to enjoy a movie, cartoon or videogame for what it is... escapist entertainment. FICTION.
Nerds (because geeks KNOW better) please stop.
You are impressing NO ONE. Stop trying to deconstruct things that DON'T ACTUALLY EXIST!!
This compulsion to apply real world science and arbitrary rules to fantastic sci-fi and such is what ultimately ruins these things.
(Like Time Travel: "You can change the future, which hasn't happened yet, but you can't change the past, which is SET IN STONE". Sorry nerds, I call bullshit. But, that's a rant for another time.)
Today's rant is about how so many comic 'fans' "Can identify" with Batman over all other superheroes because he has no superpowers.
Now, let's forget about the fact that what you're basically saying is that you LIKE superhero comics enough to pay them some degree of attention, but you don't have the imagination to really 'get into' anyone but the Bat because you can't wrap your head around wingless flight, superspeed, self-replication, instant metamorphosis, x-ray vision, or rings that construct anything you can think of out of green hard light? That's all just too phantasmagorical for you to "take seriously"?
THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU READING THESE COMICS???
These aren't documentaries, people! You're not supposed to take them SERIOUSLY!
You can/should/could/are supposed to take (somewhat) seriously the personalities of the characters. Their motivations and reactions. That's what makes them worth reading about, anyway, not the powers.
But, for the sake of sake, let's focus on the things you CAN identify with.
Bruce Wayne: Saw his parents murdered in front of his very eyes at the tender age of 8.
YOU: Probably not so much. In the interest of sensitivity (lap it up, kids, because there ain't much after this line) in case someone DID live through such a horrible experience, I will let this one slide. But, one way or another, it does NOT make you Batman.
I can, at least, halfway understand identifying with a certain superhero and only reading his/her book because you're both, say, black, or female, or gay, or hardcore left wing liberal... They exemplify some semblance of yourself thus, feed some part of your ego. (I UNDERSTAND it, psychologically speaking, still, I think that's kind of a narrowminded line of thought, though) but if THAT'S what you identify with, (your parents' murder) then seek help.
Bruce Wayne: Tall, fit, handsome, virile, extremely skilled.
YOU: Well, I hate to break it to you, man-tits, but you're probably not gonna be doing any push-ups anytime soon, much-less 30 years of training your mind and body to their peak.
If someone gifted you with a truckload of soap, shampoo and toothpaste; a 50 gallon drum of Oxy-Clean and handcuffed you to a treadmill with no OFF switch, maybe, just MAYBE you could become 1/5 as mucho macho as Ol' BATS... in say, 12 years.
Unless you have a Matrix style cyberjack in your skull that'll let you download kung-fu, ventriloquism, escape artistry, parcour, knowledge of MAGIC both staged and genuinely arcane, and the myriad of other skills that Brucie-boy has spent years upon years of ceaseless work, intense unto the point of near self-destruction, to learn, then believe me when I tell you that you do NOT have enough in common with the (FICTIONAL) man to 'relate to'. Now, put down the Cheesy Poofs, turn off the Venture Brothers, get off the couch and JOG, or something!
Batman: BILLIONS (with a BEE) of dollars, giant mansion, owner/founder/CEO of corporations and R&D firms worldwide. Hospitals, Charities... Just generally benevolent and richer than GOD.
YOU: Part time busboy job at Applebee's. Must borrow money from parents to pay back ROOMMATE (with whom you share your 1.5 bedroom, half-bath crackerbox apartment) the 15 bucks you borrowed 3 weeks ago to support your weed habit. You are now too broke to buy groceries and are surviving off leftovers from work.
Batman: Determined and brave enough to do "Whatever it Takes" to save the day, even if it means sacrificing his own life.
YOU: Too lazy to get off the couch and jog like I suggested 2 paragraphs ago! Still wishing the comic shop made DELIVERIES! Wouldn't piss on man who was burning alive unless there was something in it for you.
Batman: Attracts lovely women of all stripes: Superheroines (Wonder Woman), Villainesses (Catwoman, Talia, Poison Ivy), and even civilian women (Silver St. Cloud, Vicki Vale. Even Lois Lane, briefly, once upon a time)
YOU: Have never even seen a woman naked who wasn't on the internet.
Batman: Detective, acrobat, escape artist, engineer, genius, one of the top 5 deadliest martial artists in the world, hero, billionaire, survivalist, tracker, all around bigger than life man among men in a spiffy, very expensive suit of spandex, body armor and electronics, even though his greatest weapon is his keen mind!
YOU: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT CAN EVEN COME CLOSE TO IDENTIFYING WITH THAT.
Maybe I wouldn't be so irate if the jugheads who always said this didn't completely overlook all the other superheroes out there who don't have superpowers and are basically just costumed fighters, soldiers, marksmen and avengers of the downtrodden in spiffy suits.
Green Arrow, Shang Chi, Elektra, Misty Knight and Colleen Wing, Hawkeye, Mockingbird, Night Thrasher, Nick Fury, even!
Hell, I'd even be happy if someone mentioned ROBIN once in a while. Trained by Batman, almost as awesome as he is, and Just a KID, F'God'ssakes!!
Also, let's face it. There's a few superheroes out there who's superpowers are rather low-level, or they have the single superpower that they even rarely use, and their powerset is mostly fighting ability. The Daredevils, The Black Canaries, The Iron Fists, etc...
but, I guess they would think that's "cheating", or something.
Maybe they're right in this instance. It's like saying that you can "identify with" Tony Stark. He doesn't have any real superpowers other than his intelligence, which gave birth to the superstrong, durable, adaptable, POWERFUL Iron Man armor... but Stark doesn't have any superpowers, so that counts, right?
Heh. Maybe I wouldn't have such a cactus in my boxerbriefs if these people even PRETENDED to value the personalities of these heroes instead of whether or not they have powers!
Green Lantern's liberalism. The fact that even though he's the Fastest Man Alive, Barry "The Flash" Allen is always late.
In my opinion, a character's personality is what makes or breaks them. Marvel-wise, so many testosto-morons are all slobbering over Wolverine and Deadpool. 2 one-trick ponies who, honestly WERE interesting, once upon a time, but now...
Deadpool's gone from a motormouthed villain to a reluctant hero with a cool supporting cast, to an over-the-top bad charicature of Bugs Bunny with a lot of guns.
Wolverine, as usual, is "Grr-Snikt-Bub" and not much more. He was a man of mystery til that schtick got old, then, they returned all his memories.... and he didn't change one iota. One would think that the flood of almost 170 years of memories, experiences, likes, dislikes, fears, etc, returning all at once would literally make a new man out of him. Nope. "Grr-Snikt-Bub". Same as always.
Superman, the Big Blue Boy Scout that everyone seems to think is some sort of invincible God is BORING. Because he's too perfect. There was about a 7 or 10 month stretch in '99 or 2000 where Supes was seeing a psychiatrist because the Weight of the World™ was on his shoulders and even he could only handle so much. He had never before or never since been so interesting!
It's an unpopular opinion, but I'll say it. Batman is boring, too!
The cool under pressure, know-it-all, 17 contingency plan-having, inscrutable, unbeatable Batman is also Fucking Boring! Even when he lets his humanity slip and shows some emotion... boring. Bats is at his best in the same way as Supes is.. when they play off each other, or as part of the Justice League. Other heroes and characters provide a contrast that lets you see them in their best light.
Back to the rant, I'd even accept it if they said they could identify with heroes because they have the same day job in their secret identities: Doctor, Mailman, intrepid reporter, cop, test pilot, police dispatcher, ANYTHING!
But, if you're gonna say something that is basically "I can only identify with this SUPERHERO because he ISN'T SUPER, and that makes him just like me", then maybe you should give that statement some thought first, otherwise, you wind up sounding like a douchebag for an opinion that isn't even originally YOURS!
The best and worst thing that ever happened to my art/writing/comics.
I'm way too scattered and I don't think I can continue the way I've been going.
I have produced very little that I'm proud of in the last, I don't know, 4 YEARS, maybe.
OK, that may be an exaggeration, but with very little encouragement and feedback, I've been going down a road that's, if not DARK, then at least FORMULAIC, and that hasn't set right with me.
I have an almost entire universe of superheroes plotted out, with backstory and such, but I don't have the wherewithall to make comics out of them. I wish I could talk with someone, and get some perpective about that, but, the only person I think would really even HALFway understand lives in Seattle now. Even so, he's comic geek, but mostly a gamer. The characters he creates are more like axe-wielding CyberTrolls than heroes and villains. I can talk comic books with him, but not so much creating them.
Also, webcomics-wise, I haven't been "right" or satisfied with anything I've created since '04, and, while I start strong, I am constantly finding flaws, which make me want to rework them. I can't concentrate or stick with them long enough to flesh them out like I want them. My attention wanders. I have ideas, but perhaps too many ideas to focus, and no real help.
My DeviantArt site's popular enough, but, it's not really the same.
There's either the sycophants who love everything you do, or the Art Critic Wannabes, who aren't really trying to help, but just figure they'll sound cooler and more knowledgeable than the fanboys if they say something negative about every picture they comment on and call it "Constructive Criticism".
Neither group is really helping.
And, that's just the tip of the internet iceberg.
Don't get me started on e-mails, IMs, useless things like MySpace, FaceBook, and even (possibly ESPECIALLY) LiveJournal.
I have an LJ for just about everything.
2 seperate ones for my art.
At least 4 'personal' ones.
3 for The city I live in
1 for "The rest of the world".
There's still communities I founded years ago under now-defunct names that I'm not maintaining or really moderating.
It's all too much.
I'm going to stave off of the various projects I have going. I'm going to practice random aspects of art and cartooning and I'm not going to post any of them anywhere online.
I'll create a comic or something when I feel that I'm ready and I know what I want.
That day may never COME, but imagining it is better than 17 false starts a month.
I used to draw because I enjoyed it. Even beyond that, I used to draw as a sort of self-therapy to make myself feel better when the excrement hit the rotary blades. Now? I don't know. I don't enjoy it anymore. I don't have anyone to share it with like I used to 8 or 10 years ago. It seems to be a chore, or "keeping up with the Joneses", or just some damnable itch I can't quite reach.
I like the internet. I ENJOY the internet, but, sometimes, it's the fingers of Satan, jabbing me right in the eyes.
I think I'm going to spend the rest of whatever time I have left killing off extraneous e-mails, LiveJournals and such. I need to decided if FaceBook and MySpace are even worth having. Each one has reconnected me with old friends from the past, but, honestly, both times were purely by chance. I still love them, but honestly, we've grown apart.
For the most part, the 'friends' I have on both those sites are the same ones I have on LJ, or see every day down at the Black Drop Coffeehouse.
The ones in my "Outside of the Home City" Journals are scattered throughout various journals and need to be pulled together into one, anyway. Or just left alone.
This year has been livable so far, and this may be the supreme endeavor to keep it that way.
I have to pull myself together.
I need a reboot. More importantly, I need to figure out what I need and what I want out of life, and kick everything, and, yes, everyBODY that's extraneous, to the proverbial curb.
That may just include the internet.
Sugar, we're goin' down.
It's insomnia season again, and as I slowly go more and more insane in all the mild, mundane ways, I note that my life seems to go 'round in a circle of manic-depression, allergic reactions and repetitive, nonsensical behavior.
I am really no different than I was, say, twelve years ago. The only change is my location and about half a dozen greys growing amongst my chin hairs.
Part of me wants to go backwards and perhaps remake myself into the man I was 18 or so years ago.
Part of me desperately wants to change and grow and become a new, better person.
Both halves of me want to do away with the man I am become.
But then, I've said that before.
Typed it, recorded it, scribbled it into comics and etched it onto my soul.
I've tried, but, eventually, the merry-go-round swings right back around to this point.
I may never change, grow, or get better.
That's a reality I guess I have to face.
I keep trying to reinvent myself, but I never quite get past the esoteric things.
Deep down change may very well be beyond me.
The least I can do is make the ride interesting.
Soup up the merry-go-round with jet engines, replace the plastic horses with more interesting animals such as platypi, octopi, hippopotomi, and other wacky critters whose plurals end in "I".
Change the song from "The Merry Go Round Broke Down" or "To the Shock of Miss Louise" to something more fitting... Like "Freak on a Leash", "Jungle Boogie", or "No One Loves Me, Neither Do I".
I don't know what the future holds, but I have a sinking sensation that I will be writing something suspiciously like this again in about 3 months time.